This essay connects the dots between my personal experience of being subjected to emotional manipulation by a romantic interest and our broader, self-reinforcing systems that exemplify narcissism. (Content advisory: This piece explores the theme of narcissistic trauma from the micro to the macro and metaphorical levels.)
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I recently put an end to a relationship with someone with traits of vulnerable narcissism who I realize had put me through emotional abuse for the past months. My gut knew something was off, but I was not able to consciously pinpoint what was going on at the time. Instead, I was strung along by the rollercoaster, only now coming out of the fog. I feel like I am finally able to look back and make sense of what I was incapable of seeing when I was so immersed in the matrix.
From being love-bombed, triangulated, devalued, stonewalled when asking for accountability for his lies, to being gaslit through his cycles of self-victimization, I felt like I was losing my sense of self. Although I had been offered apologies over and over again, which I initially mistook as emotional maturity, I later realized they were performative. One of the quotes that hit me as I learned to make sense of my experience was this: “Apology without change is manipulation.”
Thankfully, I am now on my path toward healing. But I cannot help but feel immense sadness knowing that this person likely developed his toxic relational tendencies in part from his unresolved childhood traumas. I am left pondering: How do I tenderly hold this nuance of all of the above? How do I hold him accountable for the hurt he inflicted upon me while being understanding of the nature-nurture roots of his narcissistic behaviors—including the systemic oppression his family faced that troubled his upbringing, contributing to the psychological wounds that prevent him from cultivating the ability to think much beyond his self-interests?
This is not the first person with narcissistic traits who I have encountered in my life, but he is the first one expressing the lesser-known “subtype” of covert narcissism whom I had started becoming close with. I grew up with relatives with signs of grandiose, overt narcissism, and I also feel like I have engaged with more people with these tendencies in the last few years alone than I was ever aware of prior. This has become a recurring theme in my life seemingly begging for my attention.